My Door Is Always Open
December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt. Others insist on a pair of socks. The argument always ends in a tie.
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I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster.
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Thoughts When in Quarantine Too Long…
• If poison passes it’s expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
• Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
• Do twins ever realize that at least one of them is unplanned?
• Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
• Maybe oxygen is slowly kill-ing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
• Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
• The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”
• 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
• At a movie theater, which arm rest is yours?
• If people evolve from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
• Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
• Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
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I was in the chemist lab and I said to the assistant, “What gets rid of germs?”
She said, “Ammonia cleaner.”
I said, “Oh sorry, I thought you worked here.”
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If a woman says she’ll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be. There’s no need to remind her every half hour.
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My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”
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I’m giving up drinking until Christmas! Sorry, bad punctuation. I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas.
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A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on while in the school bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
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At one point the IRS tax auditor exclaimed, ‘We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
”Thank goodness,” I replied, ”I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash.”
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After my 91-year-old mother finished having her hair cut and shaped, the stylist announced, “There, now you look ten years younger!”
My mother, unimpressed, replied, “Who wants to look 81 years old?”
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Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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While a farmer was milking his cow, a bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
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• “What do you wear to Thanksgiving dinner?” “A har-vest.”
• “Why didn’t the cook season the Thanksgiving turkey?” “There was no thyme!”
• “What’s a turkey’s favorite Thanksgiving food?” “Nothing—it’s already stuffed.”
• “Which holiday is Dracula’s favorite?” “Fangs-giving.”
• “What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?” “The turkey trot.”
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My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back: “Sure, my door is always open.”