A young secretary was telling anyone who would listen about what a fun time she had on her vacation. She then asked her boss for two weeks leave in which to get married.
“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What, and ruin my vacation?” she answered.
Ralph took a job with a construction to paint lines on Texas Road 82. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.
The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.
The boss sat him down and said, “Ralph, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?”.
Ralph replied, “Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can”.
“We’re looking for a Treasurer for the Xmas fund,” said Paddy.
“Didn’t you take on a new one last month?” said Murphy.
“That’s the one we’re looking for,”,Paddy replied.
A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took all day!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says, “What’s that noise?”
Last week a friend and I decided to take a day off and go to the race track.
I bet on a horse at 10 to one.
It came in at quarter past four.
A psychiatrist congratulated his patient on making such good progress.
”You call this progress?” snapped the patient. ”Six months ago, I was Abraham Lincoln. Now I’m a nobody!”
Attending the funeral of a close friend I thought I recognized a lady I had not seen in 25 years.
I went up to her and said, “You look like Helen Black.”
She replied, “You don’t look so good in brown!”
Michelle: I hear you broke off your engagement to Rob. Why?
Irina: It’s just that my feelings toward him weren’t the same any more.
Michelle: Are you returning the ring?
Irina: My feelings toward the ring haven’t changed one bit!
When Mother was ill, father volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.
Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.
“Man, me and my wife had a fight yesterday.”
“Oh yea, about what?”
“You see, I wanted to watch the game but she wanted to watch a movie.”
“So, how was the movie?”
Joe: “Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof. I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.”
Ed: “Did it help?”
Joe: “Yes. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and sailing equipment.”
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac!”
A news photographer call the local airport to charter a flight to shoot a huge forest fire approaching town. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport. Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I’m a photographer for cable news, and I need to get close up shots.”
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, you’re NOT my flight instructor?”