My high school was so tough

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me. From now I’m going to concentrate on getting taller!
ME: What does competitive salary mean?
BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.
An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”
“And what would your friend have?”
“Nothing,” replied the antelope.
The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”
“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”
Mike: What happened to Dan today? He didn’t show up to work this morning.
John: Oh, Dan’s in the hospital getting treatment for a few broken bones.
Mike: What happened? I saw him dancing with a woman at the bar last night.
John: Yeah, unfortunately so did his wife.
“Rob,” said the boss, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
The employee said, “Thanks, Dad.”
My high school was so tough it had it’s own coroner. We used to write essays like: “What I want to be IF I grow up…”
The little girl showed the pre-school teacher 4 fingers to indicate she is 4 years old when asked that question.
“That is nice,’’ replies the teach, “but can’t you talk?”
The little girl replies, “Yes I can, but can’t you count?”
Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”
Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”
Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”
Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
I’ve tried telling a few jokes about the unemployed but they don’t work.
What is a honeymoon salad? Lettuce alone without any dressing.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. You look at your X and wonder Y?
Why did the cat want to join the Red Cross?
He wanted to be a first aid kit!
The trial went on for 4 weeks with testimony by both sides. Finally, the jury retired to determine the verdict.
After 2 days the jury had reached a decision to acquit the prisoner.
Judge: “What possible reason could you have for acquitting the prisoner?”
Foreman: “Insanity, sir.”
Judge: “What, all twelve of you?”

My favorite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather. That was before my mother took the urn from me.
Waiter: I see your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let’s go ride bikes!
A cinema actor, suing for a breach of contract, described himself as the greatest actor in the world.
One of his friends took him to task for so loudly singing his own praises.
“I know,” replied the actor, “it must have sounded somewhat conceited, but, remember, I was under oath.”