• You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started and you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
• You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas and you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there when you lean over to pick something up off the floor.
“To do is to be…” — Descartes.
“To be is to do…” — Sartre.
“Do be do be do…” – Sinatra!
A priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, “The end is near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
“Leave us alone, will you!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard a big splash.
“Maybe we should just put up a sign that says ‘bridge out’ instead,” said the priest.
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure. “My side will win.”
An old guy spotted an attractive young lady at the gym and asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
“I would try the ATM in the lobby,’’ the trainer said.
A bass guitar player that was getting a divorce from his wife. The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed to half of what he owned.
So she got his E string and his D string.
A lawyer is working late one night when his door opens and in walks Satan himself.
“I have an offer,” says Satan. “If you give me your soul and the soul of everyone in your family, I’ll make you a full partner in your firm.”
The lawyer stares icily at the devil for a full minute before demanding, “So what’s the catch?”
So grateful somebody invented window blinds, or it would be curtains for all of us!
What do you call the boss at Old McDonald’s Farm?
After a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 12 to 1.”
If Lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it then follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
An older man at the evening function bowed his head and wept quietly but copiously while while a young woman rendered the plaintive ballad, “My Old Kentucky Home.”
The hostess tiptoed up to him and inquired tenderly, “Pardon me, are you a Kentuckian?”
“No, madam,” the tearful one replied, “I’m a musician.”
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him. I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
A pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, “Guess who?”
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, “Guess where?”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me!”
“Come on God, give me a break!!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!
One day a man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of water. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the man by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, “Why did you do that?”
The man said very apologetically, “I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can’t help it. It’s an illness I can’t get rid of. I am so ashamed of