My wife just called me pretentious
My wife just called me pretentious
A Wisconsin snowbird calls a neighbor from Michigan at the Phoenix V condo and says, “I have a difficult puzzle that I can not solve. Can you come over and help me? According to the box, it is supposed to be a red rooster when it is finished.”
The Michigan neighbor takes a look at the pieces that are spread on the table and says, “Well, we won’t get anything even remotely resembling a red rooster from these pieces. Let’s put the cornflakes back in the box.”
••••••••••
A Wisconsin Snowbird decided to open a pretzel stand in front of the Flora-Bama while here for the winter. He sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young ‘Bama employee would leave a quarter, but never take a pretzel.
This went on for more than a month until the Wisconsin Snowbird spoke to him. “Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents,” he said.
••••••••••
This year I made my New Year’s Resolution…
To finish everything I sta…
••••••••••
A husband who has been working out as per his new years resolution says to his wife, “Honey, I think I took on too much for a beginner. I’ve decided to break up my workout.”
“Oh?” his wife asked, “How’s the new work-out divided up?”
The husband replied, “Half for you and half for me.”
••••••••••
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift so when she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
••••••••••
What do you call a person that is Happy on Monday?
Retired.
••••••••••
I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, “Are we having salad for dinner?”
“Yes we are, how did you know?” she asked.
I replied, “Because I can’t hear the smoke alarm.”
••••••••••
My wife just called me pretentious.
I was so surprised my monocle fell out.
••••••••••
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied. “She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second!” said Mark. “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said. “He is!”
••••••••••
A lady passes out in front of a hot dog stand on Bourbon St.
Cop car drives by, I tell them what happens. Cop does nothing, and tells me to keep it moving.
A passerby says, “She probably ate a Lucky Dog.”
••••••••••
A squirrel is sitting on the branch of tree, he looks around, suddenly realizing a cow is sitting on the branch next to him. Surprised, he asks the cow: “What are you doing here, up on the tree? You’re a cow,” to which the cow replies, “I came here to eat nuts.”
The squirrel then says, “But this is an apple tree.”
The cow says, “Yeah, I know. I brought the nuts with me.”
••••••••••
A guy has lasik surgery on both eyes. The surgeon updates the patient while the patient’s eyes are still bandaged. He tells the guy, “I have good news and bad news.”
The guy says: “tell me the good news first.” The surgeon says, “ You are going to be getting a dog.”
•••••••••
• Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
• Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
•••••••••
I am writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question.“
•••••••••
Captain: “Sargeant, Sargeant! Your troops are revolting.’’
Sargeant: “Well, you’re no prize pig yourself.’’
•••••••••
At a meeting, a corporate manager told a joke. Everyone on the team laughed except for one guy.
“Didn’t you understand my joke?’’ the manager asked him.
“Oh, I understood it, but I resigned yesterday,’’ the guy answered.*
•••••••••
Doctor: “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
Patient: “I drink it.”