My wife ran away with my best friend

Another local humorist, Paul Serina, shares this gem. Not that I am retiring anytime soon Paul.
What did the astronaut say when he landed on a planet filled with very tall women?
“Take me to your leader…. No take me to your ladder. l’ll see the leader later.”
••••••••••
A guy from Michigan was, of course, trying to drive through Wisconsin as fast as possible when he was pulled over for speeding.
After being asked for his driver’s license, the driver, asked the cop, “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the Wisconsin state trooper said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The Michigan driver found a small mirror in his glove compartment and showed it to the cop.
“This must be my driver’s license,” he said, as he handed it to over.
The trooper handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.’’
••••••••••
Balding Man: “How much it would be for a haircut?”
Barber: “Twenty-five dollars.”
Balding Man: “That’s crazy. I’ve hardly got any hair. How can it be that expensive?”
Barber: “$5 for the cut and $20 for the search fee.”
••••••••••
Husband: How should I get rid of the British Pounds I brought back?
Wife: Take them to a bank and covert them to dollars.
Husband: I’m not sure they’ll do that. I think I just need to eat less and walk more.
••••••••••
My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later both of them were at my front door ringing the for an hour straight. Reluctantly I answered the door.
They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened.
Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.
••••••••••
Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
••••••••••
On anniversaries, the wise husband alway forgets the past – but never the present.
••••••••••
Many girls like to marry a military man – he can make beds, is in good health, and already used to taking orders.
••••••••••
You know you are getting old, when everything either dries up or leaks.
••••••••••
Attached to the back of an Amish carriage in Pennsylvania: “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”
••••••••••
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald that they don’t recognize you.
••••••••••
Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That’s a hardware issue.
••••••••••
A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?’’
She replied: “A can of peaches.’’
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five. The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
••••••••••
After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, and fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!
••••••••••
– If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
– If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
– Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
••••••••••
A lady dropped her handbag in the bustle of holiday shopping. An honest, little boy noticed her drop the handbag, so he picked it up and returned it to her. The lady looked into her handbag and commented, “That’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills.”
The boy quickly replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a purse, the owner didn’t have any change for a reward.”
••••••••••
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.