My wife ran away with my best friend

First man: “I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.”
Second man: “I thought they just hired a new teller last week.”
First man: “Right, that’s the one they’re looking for.”
“What does your mother do for a headache?”
“She sends me out to play.”
I received a robo call stating that I won my choice of either $500 or tickets to see an Elvis Presley tribute band.
I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show!
T-shirts for Senior Citizens…
• If You’re Happy And You Know It Thank Your Meds.
• To Me Drink Responsibly Means Don’t Spill It.
• Sorry I’m Late. I Didn’t Want To Come.
• Gray Hair Is A Small Price To Pay For All This Wisdom.
• The Best Thing About The Gold Old Days Is I Wasn’t Good And I Wasn’t Old.
• My Relationship With Whiskey Is On The Rocks.
• I Have Stopped Listening. Why Are You Still Talking?
• If You Can’t Laugh At Yourself, Let Me Do It.
• It Was More Fun To Be 20 In The 70’s Than It Is To Be 70 In The 20’s.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner. So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.
Captain: “Did you give the prisoner the third degree?” the police captain asked the detective.
Sargeant: “Yeah, we browbeat him pretty good. Asked him every question and made every threat we could think of.”
Captainb: “And did you get a confession?” asked the sergeant.
Sargeant: “Not exactly. All he’d say was, ‘Yes dear’ and he’d doze off.”
An actress who suffered from an inferiority complex was complaining to her psychiatrist. “I’m a nothing!” she cried. “I can’t sing. I can’t remember my lines. I can’t dance, I can’t even act. I really don’t belong in show business.”
“Why don’t you quit?” the doctor asked.
“I can’t,” moaned the actress. “I’m a star!”
My wife ran away with my best friend. A year later they were at my front door ringing the bell. They rang the bell for an hour. Reluctantly I answered the door.
They said they wanted to apologize for the way things happened. Boy, was I relieved, I thought he was trying to bring her back.
Interviewer: “Congratulations on winning the lottery.”

Musician: “Thank you.”
Interviewer: “Do you have any special plans for spending all of that money?”
Musician: “Nope. I’m just gonna keep playing gigs until the lottery money is all gone.”
A man flies into a new city on business. When he got to the hotel he realized he came down with laryngitis. He decided to call a doctor before he completely lost his voice.
He looks up a doctor’s phone number and calls him. A woman picks up the phone. The man, not being able to talk loud, whispers, “Is the doctor in?”
The woman whispers back, “He just left. It’s safe to come in now.”
What’s the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist?
A rock guitarist plays 4 notes in front of 1000 people, while a jazz guitarist plays 1000 notes in front of 4 people.
A man goes into the doctor. He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?” the doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will.”
“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said.
“There’s nothing about it in my books. I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”