My wife thinks I’m God

Three sons discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third smiled and said, “You know mom can’t see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
“Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight is bad. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”
“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”
••••••••••
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that his patient’s shins were covered with dark bruises.
“Tell me,” said the doctor, “do you play hockey or soccer?”
“Neither,” said the man. “My wife and I play bridge.”
••••••••••
A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.
“Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” a jogger asks.
The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, “Nope.”
As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger’s legs.
As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”
The old man mutters, “Ain’t my dog.”
••••••••••
Assistant: “Boss, I need a few days off!”
Boss: “Only if you can correctly answer this question. Why did Brutus kill Julius Caesar?’’
Assistant: “Because Caesar didn’t grant him leave.’’
Boss: “How many days off you want?”
••••••••••
A man goes to the cemetery to visit his late wife. He notices a man pounding the ground with his fist and sobbing “why did you have to die why why why?
He rushes over and tries to calm him down. He says, “I understand the deceased must have been very very close to you”.
“No, never met him,” the man replies.
“May I ask you who is buried here?”
The sobbing man pauses long enough to say, “It’s my wife’s first husband.”
••••••••••
Me: “My wife thinks I’m God.”
Friend: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Every night at dinner time, she places a burnt offering before me.”
••••••••••
Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?
Because the rest of the days are weekdays.
••••••••••
A magician comes up to our table and does a card trick.
Impressed, I asked him how he did it.
He says “I can tell you, but I’d then have to kidnap you and take you away.”
I said, “Can you tell my mother-in-law?”
••••••••••
It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
I got the hint. I got her a magazine rack!
••••••••••
I’ve started growing herbs in my garden.
To help identify them I’m growing them in alphabetical order.
My neighbor asked me, “How do you find the time?”
I said, “Easy, it’s right here next to the sage.”
••••••••••
I saw a contractor’s truck that offered free quotes.
So I asked for one.
He said, “To be or not to be, that is the question.”
••••••••••
Junior: Mother, I can’t find my baseball mitt.
Mother: Did you look in the car?
Junior: Where in the car?
Mother: Try the glove compartment.
••••••••••
A butcher casually asks his lawyer acuaintance what would be the legal position if a dog ran into his shop and stole some meat.
“Oh the situation is perfectly clear in law” replies the lawyer, “the dog’s owner would be liable for the loss.”
“Well”, says the butcher,”it was your dog and he stole $20 worth of steak.”
The lawyer laughs good naturally and hands over a twenty.
A few days later an invoice for $50 in legal services arrives in the butcher’s mailbox.”
••••••••••
“A lawyer setting up in business in a small town will starve but if two lawyers set up, they’ll make each other rich.”
-Mark Twain