Never ask directions from a starfish

• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.
• Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
• Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
• People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
• To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
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Two guys from Wisconsin are hiking in the woods, and they come across a set of tracks.
The first guy points and says, “See those, they’re deer tracks.”
The second replies, “No, they’re deer aren’t. They’re wolf tracks.”
“You’re crazy, they’re clearly deer tracks.”
“Obviously wolf tracks!”
“Deer tracks!”
“Wolf tracks!”
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Q. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That’s a hardware issue.
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A woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?’’
She replied: “A can of peaches.’’
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five. The judge said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
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After drinking, men talk unnecessarily, become emotional, drive badly, stop thinking, and fight for nothing
Women can do all these without drinking!
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– If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
– If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
– Whose cruel idea was it for the word “Lisp” to have “S” in it?
– Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
• The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
• I didn’t climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• My internet is so slow, it would be better to drive to the Google Headquarters and ask them in person.
• If I could take one thing from my house if it was on fire, it would be the fire.
• The reason I ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because I am still looking for ideas.
• I don’t believe the world owes me a living. But with my salary, it at least owe me an apology.
• Never ask directions from a starfish.
• The only person who listens to both sides of the argument is the next door neighbour.
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Southernosity…..
• Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t have them, you pitch them.
• Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
• Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of yonder.
• Only a Southerner knows exactly how long directly is — as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
• Even Southern babies know that “gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
• All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
• Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin!
• Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
• No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.