On the way means Still in bed

A guy asks his neighbor in an apartment building, “Mr Trepper, you live directly above me and you have the same 2-room apartment as I do. How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you moved in?
“We got 18 rolls,” answers the neighbor.
Two months later the guy meets his neighbor again and says, “It’s really funny – I put the wallpaper on everywhere and I still had 10 rolls left over.”
Neighbor smiles, “Yeah, so did we.“
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.” Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”
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Y wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
••••••••••
Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”
••••••••••
Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t answer!”
••••••••••
A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
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A man called his mother in Florida, “Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible. Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered, “Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.”
••••••••••
Doctors at a hospital in New York have gone on strike!
Hospital officials say they will find out what the doctors’ demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs.
••••••••••
An attorney called the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him urgently. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.
“So, what is it?” grumbled the governor.
“Judge Jones has just died,” said the attorney, “and I want to take his place.”
The governor replied, “Well, it’s okay with me if it’s okay with the undertaker.”
••••••••••
The official glossary to running late…

  • “On the way…” – Still in bed.
  • “In the car…” – In the shower.
  • “GPS says 35 min…” – Getting ready.
  • “There’s traffic…” – Leaving the house.
  • “Parking now…” – 15 minutes out.
  • “Can’t find a spot…” – 5 minutes out.
  • “Walking in…” – Looking for a spot.
    ••••••••••
    I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over.
    “You’ve given me one too many.”
    “That one is a freebie.”
    ••••••••••
    What do you call two monkeys who share an Amazon account?
    Prime mates.
    ••••••••••
    An infectious disease walks into a bar.
    The bartender says, “We don’t serve infectious diseases here.”
    The infectious disease says, “Well, you’re not a very good host.”
    ••••••••••
    Irish humor…
    • There was a power failure in a Dublin Department Store last week and three hundred people were stranded on the escalators for more than two hours.
    • “O’Leary, your glass is empty, will you be having another one?”
    “And what would I be doing with two empty glasses?” O’Leary replied.
    ••••••••••
    Paddy: “If you can guess how many pheasants I’ve got in me bag you can have both of them”.*
    Shaun: “Three!”
    ••••••••••
    Mrs Murphy said: I don’t tink me husband has been faithful to me”.
    “Why’s that?” said Mrs O’Toole.
    “Me last child don’t look anything like him”.
    ••••••••••
    Colleen dropped a Euro coin, intending it to fall into the blind man’s hat on the pavement, but missed, as quick as a flash he scooped it up and put it in the hat. “You’re not blind” she said. “No I’m not” said Paddy, “Its Murphy whose blind, I’m just filling in.’’
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