People say that money is not the key to happiness

My kids and grandkids keep laughing about me losing my memory. They won’t be laughing at Christmas when there are no eggs under the tree.
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People say that money is not the key to happiness. But I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
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My wife hasn’t had a headache since her strict adherence to modern health standards.
I’m onboard with being part of the solution, but I sure wish she would loosen up on that social distancing thing.
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My dentist was voted Dentist Of The Year.
He didn’t get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.
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• Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
• Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
• Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
• Variation Law – If you change lines, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in.
• Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
• Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
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Three guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project when Shane fell off the scaffolding and instantly died.
As the ambulance took the body away, Ricky said, ‘’Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Jeff says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours go by, Jeff comes back carrying a case of beer. Ricky says, “Where did you get that, Jeff?”
“Shane’s wife gave it to me,’’ replies Jeff.
Ricky continues, “That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
“Well not exactly,’’ Jeff says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Shane’s widow.
She said, No, I’m not a widow.’
And I said, I’ll bet you a case of beer you are.’’
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A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine.
“Do you know how to operate this thing?” he asks. “I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right.”
“Sure,” the other man answers. “Just put the paper in here and press this button.”
The first man does so, saying, “Great. And where do the copies come out?”
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A man called his doctor and said, “Doctor, I think that my wife has come down with a case of laryngitis.”
“Bring her into the office, then” the doctor said, “and I’ll see what I can do to treat the condition.”
“Actually, I was hoping you could tell me how to prolong it.”
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Two Texans were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
“Hey,” asked Bob, who was at the wheel, “any cops following us?”
Henry, his passenger, turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. “Yeah, looks like it,” he responded.
“Are his flashers on?” asked Bob.
Henry turned around again. “Yup…nope…yup…nope…yup..n
nope…yup…”
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Three leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink.
The president of Budweiser orders a Bud.
Miller’s president orders a Miller and the president of Coors orders a Coors.
When it is Guinness’ turn to order he orders a soda.
“Why didn’t you order a Guinness?” everyone asks.
“Nah. If you guys aren’t having a beer neither will I,” he replies.
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Q: What did the guy say when he walked into the bar?
A: Ouch.
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Two old men were sitting in the yard outside the old people’s home one day when Tim turned to the other and said, “John I’m really feeling my age today I just hurt all over, how are you feeling?”
John replied, “I feel just like a new born baby”
Tim looked at him startled. “A new born baby, really?”
“Yep, I have no hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
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I’m getting stronger as I age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.
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I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..
By then it was too late.