Reading a book about anti-gravity

I went a wise man the other day for advice and he said, “He who knows and knows he knows, knows not. He who knows not and knows he knows not, knows.”
I don’t know who’s going to do my taxes next year, but I know it won’t be him again.
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The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey.
“Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?”
“Sure I could have, but you know we’re supposed to stay on the horse.”
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A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I want the eggs only half done, the homefries done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease and fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
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A man went to his lawyer and stated, “I would like to make a will but I don’t know exactly how to go about it.”
The lawyer said, “No problem, leave it all to me.”
The man looked somewhat upset as he said, “Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I’d like to leave a little to my children!”
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An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.
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A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, a man said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”
His girlfriend replied, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl, but I’ll take it!”
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Moe: “Where did Larry go?”
Curly: “He’s round in front.”
Moe: “I know what he looks like, I just wanted to know where he went.”
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At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire. “You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?” he asked.
“You got the right place,” a fireman replied.
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A truckload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.
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• I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
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• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
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How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
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Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Oh no, not U2 again!”
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“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said. “Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!”
“He threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one at him.”
The mother said, “When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me.”
“Thanks, Mom,” the boy replied. “But my aim is much better than yours.”
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What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision?
Suture self.