Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said, “How flexible are you?”
I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.
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I told my doctor, “Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’.’’
He said: “That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?” I asked.
“It’s not unusual” he replied.
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• I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
• A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
• A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.
“Because I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer,” he answered.
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I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, “Are you two an item?”
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I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth on the table. It took him two hours to me the salt.
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A plane is en route to Toronto when a woman from Michigan in economy class gets up and moves to first class to sit down.
The flight attendant informs her that she paid for economy class and that she must sit in the back.
“I’m from Michigan. We don’t move for anybody. I’m going to Toronto and I’m staying here.”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and informs the pilot and co-pilot of the situation.
The co-pilot goes goes back to and whispers in her ear, and she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy class.
The flight attendant asks what he said to get her to move without making a fuss.
“I told him that first class does not go to Toronto,’’ he answered.
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A dad and his son were traveling down the road. Dad was speeding and got caught.
The officer told him he was going 20 mph over the speed limit. The dad started arguing, and the two argued back and forth about the accuracy of the radar in the Cop’s car.
The argument was going nowhere and started to get onerous.
That’s when the boy spoke up and said, “Officer, you shouldn’t argue with my dad when he’s been drinking.”
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• My wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
• What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
• I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
• When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
• I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
• What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
• Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
• A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
• How do you organize a space party? You planet.
• They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they’re not laughing now.
• What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
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A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
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Me: “My Dog has no nose.”
Her: “How does he smell?”
Me: “Awful”

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
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(One for us Canadians) How many Newfies does it take to change a light bulb? Three: One to hold the bulb, and two to pick up and turn the ladder.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a light bulb? It may already have changed; only by turning on the light switch does the wave function collapse and we will be able to determine the current state.

How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two: One to change it, and one to observe how it represents the futility in struggling against cosmic inevitability.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One, but they really have to want to change.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, that’s IT support’s job.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Two: One to hold the orca, and the other to gather the neon-pink alligators.

How many city workers does it take to change a light bulb? A standard crew of eight should do it; one to change it, one to make a coffee run, one to lodge a complaint with their union steward over the appalling working conditions, and five to stand around ‘supervising’.

How many PhD candidates does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes five years or more.

How many Pentium CPUs does it take to change a light bulb? Precisely 1.00000000000000000000001.

How many prima donnas does it take to change a light bulb? One, they don’t share the spotlight.

How many Mac users does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you have to replace everything back to the breaker panel.

(Most of these were off the cuff, I had to look up a couple to remember the precise setup).

Enjoy!

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor’s room.

“Whats wrong with you?” he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!”

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

“Does she still have the hiccups? 🤣🤣🤣🤣
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My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I picked Subway.
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Me: “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
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I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.
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“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me.
“Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him.
“Really?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
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I decided that my son should be disciplined the same way I was when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.
But my son’s room has a TV, mini-fridge and computer. So, I sent him to my room.
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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a good tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”
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Interviewer: What drives you?
Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus! I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
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Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
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