As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, ”I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.”
”In that case,” said the patient, ”I’ll come back when you’re sober”
A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,653 trees.
“How do you know exactly how many?” I inquired.
“Easy. I keep a log.”
I ate a kids meal at McDonald’s today. His mom got really angry!
You know what really makes me smile?
Two mountaineers reached a huge, deep fissure in a glacier.
“Careful here,” says one of them. “My mountain guide fell down there last year.”
“I bet you felt bad about that,” says the other.
“Not really, it was pretty old and missing a few pages.”
Silence is golden. Unless you have children. If that is the case, silence is suspicious.
A young man driving a brand new red Corvette parked in front of the house to pick up his date.
The girl’s father turned to his daughter and asked, “What does your boyfriend do?”
She replied, “He inherits.”
Al: When was your son born?
Sam: In March, he came the first of the month.
Al: Is that why you named him “Bill”?
Mom: What did you do at school today?
Mark: We played a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam?
Mark: That’s right.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic.
He said, “Sure, knock yourself out!”
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
The voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he responded. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
“Catch anything yet?” asked the stranger.
“Nope,” murmured the fishermen.
“That’s strange. It appears to be such a fine stream for trout,” said the stranger.
“It must be,” replied the fishermen, “they refuse to leave it.”
I’ve never been married. But I’ve had a few near Mrs.!
This is George Carlin on aging.
• Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids?
• If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.”How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!”
You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you
become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony…You become 21!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He turned, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re
just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You become 21, you turn 30, then you’re pushing 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you reach 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait. You make it to 60. You didn’t think you would?
After that, you build up so much speed that you hit 70!
After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you hit Wednesday!
You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you hit lunch; you turn 4:30; you reach bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was just 92.”
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”