Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet

My wife asked me why I whisper in the house. I answered that I was afraid Google was listening.
She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed. The refrigerator laughed.
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A tourist sauntered into the Flora-Bama on Perdido Key and said, “What’s the quickest way to get to Foley from here?
The bartender answered, “Are you walking or going by car?”
The tourist answered, “By car, of course.”
he barman said, “Well, that’s the quickest way.”
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A man went to hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in a serious condition.
When he gets home, his wife asks, “well, how’s she doing?”
He says, “Apparently she’s doing great. She’s going to get out of the hospital and live with us for decades.”
“Amazing,” says the wife. “But I don’t understand. Yesterday, the doctor said she only had a few days to live.”
The husband says, “Well, I don’t know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst.”
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A husband calls his wife while she is out shopping.
Husband: “Honey, if you’re in the car be extra careful. I’ve just heard on the news that there’s a car speeding down the wrong side of the road.”
Wife: “I know. I’m seeing it right now. But it’s not just one car: there are hundreds of them!”
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A priest, a doctor and an engineer, frustrated by the particularly slow pace of the group in front of them, complained to the greens keeper about it.
“Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we let them play for free anytime,” the greens keeper told them.
The group fell silent for a moment.
Then the priest said,
“That’s so sad. I think I’ll say a special prayer for them.”
The ophthalmologist added, “Good idea. And maybe I could examine them to see if there’s anything I can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they just play at night?”
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A drunk man smelling of booze and cigarettes sits next to a Catholic priest on a train. He takes out a dirty newspaper from his pocket and starts reading. After a few minutes he turns to the priest and asks, “Father, do you know what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “Well my son, it is caused by consorting with cheap women, alcohol addiction, smoking cigarettes, and not taking a bath.”

“Well, I’ll be,’’ says the drunk, as he continues reading his newspaper.
After a little while the priest feels that he has been too harsh on the drunk, so he turns to him and says, “I’m sorry my son, how long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk replies, “I don’t have arthritis, Father, but I was reading here that the Pope does.”
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• The other day, Harold hit a huge spider running across the floor with his shoe. How the spider got his shoe, he never did know.
• Michelle has been renovating her house. She has the first floor finished, but the second floor is another story.
• Some alligators can grow up to 15 feet but most only ever have 4.
• Joe recently was bitten by a vampire bat. The doctor sadly told him that he would turn into a vampire too. Joe is so upset he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like nice people.
• Adam and Eve were Cajuns, they would have eaten the snake instead of the Apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages …… Metamucil and Ensure.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you who don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version. It doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, From Mom and Dad, and I positive Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• What type of illumination was used on Noah’s Ark?
Floodlights.
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Me after a tough day at work: “Nobody loves me. The whole world hates me!”
My wife: “That’s not true. Some people don’t even know you.”
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A pink elephant and a neon green snake walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “You’re too early, guys. He isn’t here yet.”