Super Bowl Monday is one of the least productive workdays

Studies have shown that Super Bowl Monday is one of the least productive workdays. I was going to do a joke on that, but I couldn’t come up with one.”
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit walk into a blood donation clinic.
“What is your blood type,’’ the nurse asked the rabbit.
“I’m probably a Type O,’’ replied the rabbit.
I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around.
They said no and slammed the door in my face!
Parents can be real jerks.
It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.
“Can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”
“Where are you?” she asked.
She wasn’t happy when I said the 7th tee.
• Atheism must be from a non-prophet organization.
Wife: Did I get fat during quarantine?
Husband: You were not skinny to begin with.
Time of death: 12:01 p.m.
Cause: Covid.
The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who could not make a decision.
Friend: “Sweet outhouse. But you are out of toilet paper.”
Me: “That’s because it is my fishing shack.’’
“Do you love me with all your heart and soul?” asked Becky on Valentines Day.
“Mmm hmm,” replied Dave.
“Do you think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Do you think my lips are like rose petals?”
“Mmm hmm.”
“Oh Dave. You say the most beautiful things!”
Ironic don’t you think? Hyphenated. Non-hyphenated.
I asked a supermarket worker where they kept the canned peaches. He said, “I’ll see” and walked away.
He never came back. When I saw another supermarket worker, I asked him. He said, “I’ll see” and walked away. He never came back either.
I got tired of waiting and started looking up and down every aisle. I finally found them.
They were in Aisle C.
A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks the clerk for some two by fours.
The clerk asks, “how long do you need them?”
The guys answers, “A long time. We are building a house.’’
A woman is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a ‘poor, defenseless woman’ his seat.”
She pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. Again, she refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
A co-worker asked me, “Could you be any more annoying?”
So the next day I wore tap shoes to work.
“Doctor, doctor! My husband swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?”
“Is he acting any differently?” asks the doctor.
“No,” says the wife. “But I’m so scared. All that aspirin. Shouldn’t I do something?”
“Try giving him a headache,” says the doctor.
The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe the “not guilty” verdict he’d just heard. Bitterly, he asked, “What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?”
The foreman answered, “Insanity.”
The attorney responded, still incredulous, “I could understand that. But, all twelve of you?”
I found the meaning of life. It’s on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.
Billy: I think we’ve over-trained our dog! Look at him—he’s a nervous wreck.
Wanda: Why not take him to a pet psychiatrist?
Billy: We can’t. One of the things we’ve trained him not to do is go on the couch!
• Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
• What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
• Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
• Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? ’Swarm.
• Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.