The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress

• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
• You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
• You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Or when you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
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Kid: “Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that’s shouting along the road!”
Mother: “What is he shouting?”
Kid: “Ice creams Come get your ice cream.”
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Child: “Mom, may I have a bicycle for my birthday?”
Mom: “Will it make you behave any better if I do?”
Child: “No, but I’ll behave over a wider area.”
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I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream. I can’t wait to rub it in!
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It was a very long and boring sermon.
As one parishioner left the church, he said: “Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God.”
The pastor was thrilled: “Really? Tell me why.”
“Because it endured forever,” he replied.
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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter.
Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed by the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, “If your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?”
The lawyer replied, “Of course. How much was the roast?”
“$7.98,” said the butcher.
A few days later, the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read, Legal Consultation Service: $150.
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• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
• Why did Spider-Man join the computer class? So he could improve his web design.
• Why was the cell phone wearing glasses? Because it lost its contacts.
• I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day. Cap’n in the morning and Nestle’s in the afternoon.
• Dolphins are so intelligent that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train a man to stand on the edge of their pool and throw to them fish three times a day.
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What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
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A woman took her dog to the parlor for a haircut and asked what it would cost. Being told that it would cost her $50, she was outraged.
“I only pay 30 bucks for my own haircut!” she said.
The groomer replied, “That may be true. But then you don’t bite, do you?”
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A man is standing 3rd in line at the Pearly Gates. He hears the Angel say to the man in front, “Just tell me one good deed you did while alive and you may enter.”
So when his turn comes he says, “I was driving to work and stopped at a red light. An elderly lady with a walker was trying to cross the intersection. There was a gang of bikers, with leather vests and beards. You know the type. Every time she went to step off the curb, they’d rev their bikes or inch forward and she’d jolt back onto the curb again. They kept this up laughing the whole time.
I finally put my car in park and went over to the leader and pushed against his chest and his motorcycle fell over.
The Angel said, “Wow! You did that? Come on in. When did this happen?”
I replied, “Oh, a few minutes ago.”
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• What do little birdies see, when they get knocked unconscious?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
• What’s another word for synonym?
• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
• I recently came into a lot of money and that’s why I got fired from the bank.

I went to the doctor the other day and complained about my sore feet.

He said: “Gout!”

I said: “But I’ve only just walked in!”