The coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”
“Yes, coach”, replied the boy.
“Do you understand that what matters is we win or lose as a team?”
The boy nodded in agreement.
The coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him insulting names. Do you understand all that?”
Again, the boy nodded yes.
The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach dumb, or stupid, or worse, is it?”
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Grandmother.”
A cop pulls a guy over for speeding. The guy tries to defend himself by saying, “I was just going with the flow of traffic.”
The Cop replies, “Ever go fishing?”
“Ever catch ALL the fish?”
The beginner’s guide to decoding work emails…
– I have a question = I have 18 questions.
– I’ll look into it = I’ve already forgotten about it.
– I tried my best = I did the bare minimum.
– Happy to discuss further = Don’t ask me about this again
– No worries = You really messed up this time.
– Take care = This is the last you’ll ever hear from me.
– Cheers = I have no respect for you or myself.
My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any. So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”
The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”
A gentleman enters a restaurant and asks the waitress what was on special. She replied, “Today we have lobster tales for 50 cents.”
He said, “I’ll take a dozen!”
She told him since it was a special he would have to pay in advance which he did. Then she said, “Are you ready for your first tale?”
He assured her he couldn’t wait. Then she began… “Once upon a time there was this little lobster…..”
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were apes, then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me! Mommy said people were monkeys first.”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
This guy just sat around, snapping his fingers. Wherever he went, he kept snapping his fingers. People were beginning to get annoyed. Finally a man walked up to him and asked him why he kept snapping his fingers.
“To keep the elephants away,” was the reply.
“Elephants? There aren’t any elephants within 1,000 miles of here!”
“Then it must be working!”
A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”
Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer, when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m gonna divorce my wife. She ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.’’
Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “Better think it over, women like that are hard to find.’’
After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
“What’s up with the big brass gong?” one of his guests asked.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replies
“A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend.
“Yup,” replied the drunk.
“How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it.
“Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You inconsiderate moron! It’s three-fifteen in the morning!”
Understanding golf 101…
• An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
• Golf’s a hard game to figure. One day you’ll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink.