The glass is half full

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know,” replied the farmer. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment?
I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently. And conducting himself properly.
Someone broke into my garage last night and took my limbo stick! How low can you go?
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
Why did the PowerPoint Presentation cross the road? To get to the other slide.
I accidentally used the dog’s shampoo this morning. Now I feel like a good boy.
Wife: you’re not a smart person.
Me: You married me.
Golfer: “You must be the world’s worst caddy!”
Caddy: “No, that would be too much of a coincidence.”
Two Eskimos in a boat were chilly so they lit a fire and it sank proving, once and for all, that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
A librarian slipped and fell on the library floor. She was in the non-friction section.
An archaeologist. Someone whose career lies in ruins.
I’ve used saccharine for years my doctor told me I had artificial diabetes.
Arriving at work today a clown opened the door for me.I thought, ‘That’s a nice jester, isn’t it?”
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
A restaurant sign advertised fat-free French fries. So, I ordered some to go.
The potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the container.
“Those don’t look fat-free,” I said.
“Sure they are,” the cook said. “We charge only for the potatoes. The fat is free!”
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out-do anyone in a feat of strength. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.
“I bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back,” he said.
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles and said, “All right. Get in.”
Is there rehab for gossiping? I don’t need it, but I’ll tell you who does.
Customer: I’ll have a hamburger.
Waiter: With pleasure.
Customer: No, with pickles and onions.
• Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
• Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
• A closed mouth gathers no foot.
• Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
• There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
• Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.

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