The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding the trail one day

How do you make a Michigan grad laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding the trail one day, and heard the ominous sound of Indian wardrums coming from the next hill.
“I don’t like the sound of those drums, Tonto,” he said.
Next moment a red Indian brave stepped out from behind a tree and said “Yeah, it’s not very good is it, but our regular drummer is off sick today.”
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What did the Michigan grad say when she found out she was pregnant?
“I wonder if it’s mine.”
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A woman holding a young baby boards a bus in London. As she pays her fare the bus driver exclaims, “That is truly the ugliest baby I have ever seen!”
She sits down and soon the man seated next to her remarks that she seems upset. She replies that the bus driver had been very rude to her.
The man then suggests: “Well, why don’t you just walk back up there and give him a piece of your mind. I’ll hold your monkey.”
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The cop said “pull over.”
I said, “No, it’s a cardigan. But thanks for noticing.’’
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The other day I held the door open for a clown.
It was a nice gesture.
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So, if it’s a Columbus Day sale, does that mean I can go in and take anything I want?
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The neighbor’s obnoxious kid just challenged me to a water fight.
I am waiting for the water to boil.
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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger!”
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Two times a week my wife and go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
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A wife started doing her make-up as soon as she woke up.
Her husband asked the reason.
She replied, “I have locked my phone with facial recognition. And it’s not recognizing me without makeup.”
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It’s the first day of deer season. A local 911 operator gets a call, mid-morning, from a man who seems a little bit upset.
The man says, “I’m out here in the boonies hunting with my friend, and he appears to have had a heart attack. He fell down writhing and clutching his chest. After a while he stopped breathing, and he seems to be a little bit blue. He’s been like this, still, with his eyes open for a couple minutes.”
The operator says, “Well, that location is really out there, so I think we need to check a few things. First, I need you to make certain whether he is dead or not.”
“OK,” the hunter responds. A few seconds later, the operator hears a loud bang, and the man gets back on the line. “Now what?”
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My ex-wife just told me she wants us to get back together again.
I sure am lucky.
I mean, first I win the lottery and now this.
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An English monastery welcomed all visitors and even tourists.
Their Friday meal of fish and chips was especially popular.
One guest went up to the nearest monk and asked, “Excuse me, are you the fish friar”?
To which the monk replied, “No, I’m the chip monk”.