When my wife was in labor, I would tell her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused.
It must have been the delivery.
The man selling two-dollar tickets at Monmouth Racetrack registered complete surprise when a horse stepped up to the window, and asked to bet on himself.
“What’s the matter?” snorted the horse. “Are you astonished that I can talk?”
“Not at all,” said the man. “I’m surprised that you think you can win.”
A guy was admitted into a hospital with eight plastic horses in his stomach. His condition is stable.
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft ball there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re pitching Tuesday.”
Why did you name your pig Ink?”
“Because it kept running out of the pen.”
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon’s name was Dr. Eror.
“What a name for a doctor,” I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
“Yeah,” he agreed. “You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major.”
Tequila is an excellent teacher…
Just last night it taught me to count…
One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!
I just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Things that always tell the truth: Small Children…Drunks…Yoga Pants!
So grateful somebody invented window blinds or it would be curtains for all of us!
An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted an attractive young lady.
He asked a nearby trainer, “What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?”
The trainer looked him up and down and said, “I would try the ATM in the lobby.
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. “Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!”
“Dear God! Did your try to stop him?”
“No,” said the clerk, “but don’t worry. I got the license plate number!”
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“‘Yes, I’m afraid so,”‘ the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is marked
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad , what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
Eventually you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.