The ups and downs of a pandemic
The ups and downs of a pandemic
Tourists from Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin decide to swim across Wolf Bay from Bear Point to Pirates Cove.
The Ohio tourist makes it halfway there, but then gets tired and tragically drowns.
The Wisconsin tourist gets three quarters of the way there, but then and gets tired and drowns.
The Michigan visitor swims halfway, gets tired, and swims back.
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Trying to prove himself to his employees, the new CEO looks around the office and sees a guy leaning against a wall doing nothing. He approaches the guy and asks him, “What do you think you’re doing?”
The man replies, “I’m just killing time, waiting to get paid.”
The CEO is furious, “What do you make a week?”
The man tells him, “About $200 a week.”
The CEO pulls out his wallet and hands the man $400 and says, “There’s your two weeks, now get out of here!”
After the man leaves he turns and asks, “What do you think about that?”
One of the employees stands up and says, “I think he just got the largest tip he’s ever gotten on a single pizza.”
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• If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.
• My job is secure as no one else wants it.
• Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
• Take my advice. I’m not using it.
• Any room is a panic room if you’ve lost your phone in it.
• Whatever you do, always give 100%,unless you are donating blood.
• My internet is so slow that it would be faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
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“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work was that you were playing golf.”
“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong replied. “And I have the fish to prove it!”
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What’s the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, while a cat croaks only nine times.
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Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
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Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
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I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
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We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
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If a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
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The ups and downs of a pandemic: One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
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How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?
“If elected, I promise…”
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
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On Christmas Day, a father loaded his pessimist kid’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read. I need batteries and my toys will all eventually get broken,” he sobbed.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
“There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere,” he replied.
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.