The wife did it

A guy goes to church to confess. “Forgive me father, I have sinned,’’ says the man. “I stole a car. And, as redemption, I’m willing to give this car to you.”
The father says, “That’s okay, kid. God will forgive you. But I wouldn’t want that car. You should give it back to the owner instead.
“But the owner said he doesn’t want it,” says the man.
“In that case,” says the father, “You may keep that car.’’
The man thanks the father and leaves only to receive a phone call from the father later. “Did you steal my car,’’ he asks.
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Teacher: “If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?”
Student: “One dollar.”
Teacher: “You don’t know your arithmetic.”
Student: “You don’t know my father!”
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“What does your mother do for a headache?”
“She sends me out to play.”
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While on vacation in Spain, I had a medical incident and a doctor at my hotel came to my assistance with a defibrillator.
The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved.
“I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself,” I told the woman afterwards.
She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
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Car Dealer: “This car had just one careful owner.”
Buyer: “But it’s a wreck!”
Car dealer: “Well yes, you see, the other seven owners weren’t quite as careful.”
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A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.
“Are you hurt?” he asked.
“Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once.”
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A church had a man in the choir who couldn’t sing.
The choir director became desperate and went to the pastor. “You’ve got to get that man out of the choir,” he said. “If you don’t, I’m going to resign. The choir members are going to quit too. Please do something.”
So the pastor went to the man and suggested, “Perhaps you should leave the choir.”
“Why should I get out of the choir?” he asked.
“Well, five or six people have told me you can’t sing.”
“That’s nothing,” the man said. “Fifty people have told me that you can’t preach!”
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A man comes to the doctor and asks: “Excuse me, is this the eye doctor?”
The secretary says: “We have a big sign advertising that this is the eye doctor’s on the door. Haven’t you seen it?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Well then you’re in just the right place.”
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My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I picked Subway.
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Me: “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me again.”
Trainer: “It was one sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
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I picked up a hitchhiker. He asked if I wasn’t afraid he might be a serial killer?
I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.
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I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test.
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“Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life,” my boss told me.
“Well it got me to the ‘International Sarcasm’ finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009,” I informed him.
“Really?” he asked.
“No,” I said.
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I decided that my son should be disciplined the same way I was when I was his age: being sent to my room without supper.
But my son’s room has a TV, mini-fridge and computer. So, I sent him to my room.
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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a good tip.”
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”