There is great need for a sarcasm font

What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American Literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.
••••••••••
A man goes to his doctor, and the doctor tells him, “I have bad news for you. You have two terminal illnesses.”
“OK, doc. Give them to me one at a time.”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry to say that you have terminal cancer.”
“Oh, that’s bad,” the man says. “What’s the other one?”
“You have Alzheimer’s, and it’s fairly advanced.”
The man says, “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
••••••••••
My wife texted me “I love u.”
I said that’s my favorite letter, too.
••••••••••
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town…
At some point he’s going to face time!
••••••••••
• Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• In democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism it’s your count that votes.
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
• If you don’t pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
• The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
• A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
• You feel stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
• He often broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
• Every calendar’s days are numbered.
• A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
• The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
• When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
••••••••••
Mother: Eat your bread.
Child: I don’t like bread. Why do I have to eat the bread?
Mother: So you become big and strong.
Child: Why do I have to become big and strong?
Mother: So you can provide the daily bread to your family.
Child: But I don’t like bread!
••••••••••
• Drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• People order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• Banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
••••••••••
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home?!”
The kid replied, “She is, but this isn’t where I live.”

Singers of the 60’s are revising
their hits with new lyrics to accommodate those of us that were fans. New releases include:
• Herman’s Hermits – Mrs Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker
• Ringo Starr – I Get By With A
Little Help From Depends
• The Bee Gees – How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash – I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• The Commodores – Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
• Procol Harum – A Whiter Shade Of Hair
• Leo Sayer – You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• The Temptations – Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone
• Abba – Denture Queen
• Helen Reddy – I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
• Lesley Gore – It’s My Hormones & I’ll Cry If I Want To

Ever wonder why….
• The sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?