I t’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
The Judge said to the defendant, “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn’t listen.”
A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway…
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
Customer: “How much is the hamburger steak?”
Butcher: “$1.98 cents a pound.”
Customer: “But at the corner market is is only $0.98 cents a pound.”
Butcher: “Then you should go there to buy it.”
Customer: “But they are all out of it.”
Butcher: ” Oh, I see. When we don’t have any we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound.”
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Rolls Royce.
“Wow,” I said. “That’s an amazing car.”
He replied, “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year!”
Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to!
A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair.
“My goodness,” he exclaimed. “You are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes,” he replied. “I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.”
“He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. ‘You won’t be needing this anymore,’ he said.”
“I thanked him and left.”
Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints!”
An unemployed Mr. Smith met Mr. Jones at the local coffee shop.
Mr. Jones: “I heard you were offered a job and turned it down?”
Mr. Smith: “Yes, it was to be the President/CEO of a new communications company. I turned it down as there was no room for advancement.”
• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
Working at the unemployment office has to be a tense job…
For if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.
• Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• There is great need for a sarcasm font.