Three vampires walk into a bar

George Carlin quotes…
• “ Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. • “Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?”
• “The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post, “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers. It creates a hostile work environment.”
••••••••••
“What flavors of ice cream do you have?” inquired the customer.
“Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,” answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, “Do you have laryngitis?”
“No,’’ she replied. “Just vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.”
••••••••••
Just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked: “What are you doing?”
He said: “Working from home.”
••••••••••
The nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the emergency room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated by a doctor.
“Is he a relative of yours?” the nurse asked the pacing golfer.
“No,” replied the man. “It’s my ball.”
••••••••••
Husband: For Pete’s sake, can’t you keep one lousy check book straight?!?
Wife: Now, hold it a darn second! I meticulously added every deposit and subtracted every check! So I don’t believe you!
Husband: Oh yeah? I’ll bet you money that you’re overdrawn!
Wife: Okay, how much do you want to bet?!?
Husband: Sixty-three dollars and twenty-seven cents!!
••••••••••
Lady: “I hate smoking. It’s disgusting. Plus, do you know that if you hadn’t smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 30 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?”
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: “No.”
Man: “Where’s your Ferrari then?”
••••••••••
A robber breaks into a house and ties up the woman and man.
Guy: “I’ll give you everything! Please, let her go.”
Robber: “I only care about the jewels! I won’t hurt you if you give me what I want.”
Guy: “I beg you, let her go!”
Robber: “Wow, you must really love your wife.”
Guy: “What? Oh no, my wife is about to get home!”
••••••••••
“Dad, who built the Suez Canal?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“Dad, who discovered penicillin?”
“I’ve no idea, son.”
“Dad, what’s the capital of Italy?”
“I ain’t got a clue, son.”
“Dad, you don’t mind me asking all these questions do you?”
“Of course not, son. If you don’t ask, you won’t learn anything.”
••••••••••
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, “I’ll have a pint of blood.”
The second one says, “I’ll have one, too.”
The third one says, “I’ll have a pint of plasma.”
The bartender says, “So, that’ll be two bloods and a blood lite?”
••••••••••
Mom: Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?
Son: My name is Paul.
••••••••••
An Englishman. an Irishman, and a Scot walk into a bar and sit down for drinks.
The Englishman notices a fly in his ale. He casually scoops it out and dumps it in the Irishman’s Guineas.
The Irishman, about to take a sip, sees the fly and sneaks it into the Scot’s glass of whiskey.
The Scot sees the fly, scoops it out, grabs it by the wings, shakes it, and says, “ Spit it out!”
Two men are stumbling through a forest, extremely drunk, when they come upon some tracks.
“Look,” says one of them. “Deer tracks.”
“What?” The other squints. “No, they’re elk tracks.”
“No, I’m pretty sure they’re deer tracks.”
“I’m telling you they’re elk tracks.”
By now, the two men are getting increasingly agitated. They each take a step closer to each other. They each take another step closer, onto the tracks.
“Look, I don’t know what you think elk tracks look like, but these are clearly deer tracks!”
“If you want to disbelieve reality, that’s fine by me! But I’m telling ya, these are elk tracks!”
They’re still arguing about it when the train hits them.