It Was A Tough Year…But I Made It…
– The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
– I ordered a burger at McDonald’s, and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”
– CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
– If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them.
– Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
– McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ‘ouncer’. –
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children’s names.
– A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
– Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
– Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.
– The Mafia is laying off judges.
– BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Senior’ personal ads seen in Florida newspapers…
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80’s, slim, 5’4′ (used to be 5’6′), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let’s get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let’s get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let’s put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn’t in running condition, but walks well.
Take the test presented here to determine if you’re losing it or not…
• What do you put in a toaster?
A nswer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.
Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk”
• What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. • If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass.
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.
The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him-he’s afraid to cough!”
Life in an A to Z nutshell…
a.. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
b.. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
c.. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
d.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
e.. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
f.. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never
g.. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
h.. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is
i.. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
j.. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
k.. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
l.. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way
m.. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
n.. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
o.. Eat well, stay fit–die anyway.
p.. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
q.. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
r.. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the
waist change places.
s.. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
t.. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
u.. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
v.. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
w.. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
x.. Thou shalt not weigh more than the refrigerator.
y.. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when
I’m in the bathroom.
z.. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.