I took my bicycle to the liquor store the other day. I got a bottle of vodka and put it in the bike’s basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell the bottle would break. So, I drank all the vodka and then headed home.
It turned out to be a really good decision, because I fell nine times on my way home.
Our computers went down at work today. We had to do everything manually. It took me five minutes just to shuffle the cards for solitaire.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best
dam program I’ve ever seen.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
“Yes,” she replied. “Please tell him Mother didn’t come after all.”
I came home from work this evening and said to my wife, “Are we having salad for dinner?”
“Yes we are, how did you know?” she asked.
“Because I can’t hear the smoke alarm.
“I went to see my doctor this morning to tell him some one decided to graffiti my house last night.
“So why are you telling me?” he asked.
“I can’t understand the writing,” I replied. “Was it you?”
Me: “Doc, there’s something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby’s high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that’s wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?”
Doc: You have way too much time on your hands.
Bill: I know a man who drove a stagecoach and it didn’t have any wheels.
Ted: What held it up?
“Denounce the devil. Let him know how little you think of his evil,’’ said the priest to a dying man.
The dying man said nothing.
“Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
Surgeon: “I’m afraid we ‘re going to have to operate on you again. You see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you.”
Patient: “Tell you what Doc, if it’s just because of that, just leave them inside. I’d rather pay for them than have you go back in.”
Parishoner: “Father, that was a good sermon.”
Priest: “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”
Parishoner: “It wasn’t that good!”
Driver: “Why was I pulled over when I wasn’t the only one speeding.”
Policeman: “Have you ever been fishing?”
Driver: “Yes, I have.”
Policeman: “Well, have you ever caught all the fish?”
Patient: “I’m always dizzy for half an hour after I get up in the morning.”
Doctor: “I have the solution for you.”
Patient: “Really, what is it?”
Doctor: “Try getting up half an hour later.”
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
• Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
• Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
• Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitos?
• You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
• Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
• Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
• Some people say, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them,” because they will expect you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
• A diplomat is someone who can tell you to get lost in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
• Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.