Two pints please

An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, “Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. “Call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
The sister calls her dad immediately and says, “You’re not getting divorced! Don’t do another thing, the two of us are flying home to talk about this.’’
The old man turns to his wife and says “Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares.”
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Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
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In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
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My wife says that I spend too much time talking to random people online.
What do you guys think?
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It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
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The Judge said to the defendant, “I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?”
“Your Honor,” the criminal said, “that’s what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn’t listen.”
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A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway.
Police advise citizens to be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals!
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Dad: “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?!”
Son: “Go on, then.”
Dad: “No. No. Not the kryptonite.”
Son: “Dad, that’s Superman!”
Dad: “Thanks. I’ve been practicing a lot.”
••••••••••
You know you old when….
• You and your teeth don’t sleep together.
• Your joints make the same noise as the coffee maker.
• Your brain cells are down to a manageable level.
• You go to straighten wrinkles in your socks and find out you aren’t wearing any.
• Things you buy now won’t wear out.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends, they can’t remember them anyway.
••••••••••
Customer: “How much is the hamburger steak?”
Butcher: “$1.98 cents a pound.”
Customer: “But at the corner market is only 98 cents a pound.”
Butcher: “Then you should go there to buy it.”
Customer: “But they are all out of it.”
Butcher: “When we don’t have any, we sell it for 50 cents a pound.”
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• Even Popeye didn’t eat his spinach until he absolutely had to!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last that long.
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“My goodness,” exclaimed a witness after watching a man drive through a book store window. “You are quite old to be driving!”
“Yes,” he replied. “I am old enough that I don’t need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him.
“He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. ‘You won’t be needing this anymore.
“I thanked him and left.”
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Two fellows stopped into an English pub for a drink. They called the proprietor over and asked him to settle an argument.
“Are there two pints in a quart or four?” asked one.
“There be two pints in a quart,” confirmed the proprietor.
They moved back along the bar and soon the barmaid asked for their order.
“Two pints please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy them for us.”
The barmaid doubted that her boss would be so generous, so one of the fellows called out to the proprietor at the other end of the bar, “You did say two pints, didn’t you?”
“That’s right,” he called back, “two pints!”
••••••••••
An unemployed Mr. Smith met Mr. Jones at the local coffee shop.
Mr. Jones: “I heard you were offered a job and turned it down?”
Mr. Smith: “Yes, it was to be the President/CEO of a new communications company. I turned it down as there was no room for advancement.”