These jokes are award winningly bad…
• Sometimes I like my steak under cooked…But that’s rare.
• Why does a room full of married people look so empty?
Because there’s not a single person in it.
• What did the alien say to the garden?
• I got pulled over. The cop asked me why I didn’t stop at the stop sign? I answered, “Do you believe everything you read?”
For this year I’m requesting a big bank account and a small body.
P.S. Please don’t mix them up like you did last year.
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid – the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can’t talk!”
“Don’t worry,” said the auctioneer. “He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 20 pounds in two weeks.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Not yet,” the first replied, “I like to lose at least another 10 to 15 pounds first.”
An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier.
“Listen,’’ the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage. “When I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!”
“Sorry,” apologized the garage owner. “I didn’t think your car would last six months.”
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually,” the mathematician replies coolly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”
A confused young man couldn’t decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind.
This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.
Moral of the story: You can’t have your Kate and Edith too.
I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son.”
“Don’t call me son,” I said. “You’re not my dad.”
“No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”
Lou: Hey Joe. I know the score of any professional sports score before it happens.
Joe: No you don’t. That’s impossible.
Lou: Wanna bet?
Joe: Okay Lou. What’s the score of the Patriots vs the Rams game before it happens?
Lou: That’s easy. 0-0.
Grandson: “When did you first realize you were getting old, grandpa?”
Grandpa: “When I started having my midnight snack at 9:30 p.m.”
Velcro? what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“That’s what they call it now,” he replied.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise.
My boss asked, “What companies?”
I replied, “Gas, water, and electricity.”