Patient: Lately I’ve had the feeling that everyone wants to take advantage of me.
Doctor: That’s nonsense.
Patient: Really? Thank you very much, doctor. I feel so much better now. How much do I owe you?
Doctor: How much have you got?
My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.
I asked him how much he enjoyed it.
The tour guide said that the majestic European castle was over 700 years old. He added that nothing had been altered or touched in all those years.
“Sounds like they have the same cheap landlord I have,” said one of the tourists.
While a man was at work, the lottery office phoned to inform him of the win. His wife was very worried because the man had just recovered from a heart attack and she wondered what would happen if he found out about it too abruptly.
So, she called the pastor and he agreed to be there when the man got home.
The pastor began by asking, “What would you do if you won the lottery?”
The man replied, “Why, I’d give it all to the church.”
The pastor dropped dead on the spot.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
For the second week in a row, my son and I were the only ones who showed up for his soccer team’s practice.
Frustrated I told him, “Please tell your coach that we keep coming for practice, but no one is ever here.”
My son rolled his eyes and said, “He’ll just tell me the same thing he did before.”
“That practice is now on Wednesdays, not Tuesdays.”
A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. “All right, kids,” she ordered, “line up, and whatever happens, don’t shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!”
As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back.
“Stop!” she whispered. “Who lit the light back there?”
“I did,” admitted the youngster.
“You heard what I told you,” scolded the mother. “Why did you disobey?”
“Well,” said the little one, “when you gotta glow, you gotta glow.”
As a sportsman, many of my diary entries during the suspension of sports have been sport oriented…
– “Day 37 of no sports. Watching birds fight over worms. Cardinals lead the Blue Jays 3-1.”
What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
In the daily briefing for the weather the weather man suggested with 100% certainty that the forecast for the afternoon call for heavy rains.
Assistant: “Are you positive?”
Weatherman: “Yes indeed. I’ve lost my umbrella, I got my car washed on the way in, I’m going golfing, and my wife’s giving a lawn party.”
“Welcome to the family,” said the business owner to his new son-in-law. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory everyday and learn the operation.”
“I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”
“Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”
“I hate office work. I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk.”
“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half owner of a money-making industry, but you don’t like factories, and won’t work in an office. What am I going to do with you?”
“Easy,” said the son-in-law. “Buy me out.”
It always irked my mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.
Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six!
She was so excited, she bought two!
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.