Two eskimos were chatting. One said, “Where did your mother come from?”
“Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!”
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, “I work with animals every day.”
She said, “That’s so sweet. What do you do?”
I replied, “I’m a butcher!”
We never went on a second date.
A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, trusts the number 5.
One day a friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough, the horse comes in fifth.
Two nuns were driving alone out in a rural area. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline.
“I’m sorry, sister,” said the attendant, “but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot.” The nuns agreed that this would be fine.
They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, “Oh sister, if only I had your faith.”
What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.
“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”
“I don’t know about that,” replied the farmer, mulling it over. “How many eggs a day do you lay?”
Two deer hunters hired a pilot to take them way back into the forest. After the hunt, the pilot returned and saw that they shot six deer.
“The plane won’t carry six deer, you’ll have to leave two of them,” said the pilot, trying to be friendly.
Unwilling to leave their dead deer, the hunters said “We got six on the plane last year.”
The pilot gave in, and just five minutes after takeoff the plane crashed into the forest. Lucky to be alive, one of the hunters said, “Any idea where we are?”
The second hunter said, “Yeah, right about where our plane went down last year.”
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, “I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours.”
The banker said, “Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him.”
A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were debating whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said: “When I get bad cards, it’s not the dealer’s fault. Similarly when I get good cards, the dealer isn’t responsible. So why should I tip him?”
The dealer countered: “When you eat out, do you tip the waiter?”
“Well, he serves you food, and I’m serving you cards, so you should tip me.”
“Fair enough,” said the player, “but the waiter gives me what I ask for. I’ll take an eight.”
I have traveled just about all over the world.”
“Wow, you must know geography well?”
“Oh yes, I spent 2 months there!”