Bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman, “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
A prospective husband in a book store. “Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
Someone asked an old man, “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv.
What’s the secret?”
Old man, “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough.’’
There are three kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
My wife to my mom: “Don’t teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.’’
Teacher: “Okay class let’s start by sharing our dreams. What’s yours David?”
David: “My dream is to earn $20,000 a month like my dad.”
Teacher: “Wow! Your dad earns that much?”
David: “No ma’am, that’s also my dad’s dream.”
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. “Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I said. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me.
“So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!
“But enough about me, how are you doing?”
A lettuce and a tomato were in a race.
The lettuce went a head, but the tomato never could ketchup.
“I am worried about my wife. She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.”
“Are you saying she’s an alcoholic or do you think she’s cheating?”
“No, she is looking for me.”
A Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely saying, “I must have taken Leif off my census.”
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix … Never drink and derive.
What do you do when you see a Spaceman?
You park your car in it!
A newly married sailor was informed by the navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. “My love,” he wrote “we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not tempted?”
So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying, “Why don’t you learn to play this?”
Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. “Darling” he said, “I can’t wait to see you!”
“First let’s see you play that harmonica,” she said.
A woman walks into her psychiatrist’s office and says, “Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about saying things that don’t come out the way we meant them to?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You mean Freudian slips?”
“Exactly, those. Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my husband, and I meant to say, ‘Honey, could you please pass the salt,’ but instead I said, ‘You damn fool, you ruined my life.'”
My laptop was driving me crazy. “The A, E, and I keys always stick,” I complained to a friend.
She quickly diagnosed the problem, “Your computer is suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.”
My Friday is ruined!”
“Why, what happened?”
“I realized today is Tuesday.”