A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call.
“Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”
The banker replied, “Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?”
“Um, no,” mumbled the director.
“Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister’s husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?”
“I had no idea.”
“So,” said the banker, “if I don’t give them any money, why would I give any to you?”
Customer: Barkeep, what’s the special today?
Barkeep: It’s an original drink we call the Zomazoid. It’s made with 2 shots each of 100 proof alcohols. It contains Vodka, Tennessee Whiskey, Tequila, and Scotch, topped with Irish Cream and Banana slices.
Customer: What do the customers that order this drink say about it?
Barkeep: No one knows. We can’t understand what they’re saying.
I phoned up the fishing helpline and told the man, “I’m really hopeless at fishing and need some tips.”
The man said, “Okay, can you hold the line?”
I said, “No.”
I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “Kiss?”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first, then see how we feel.”
I’m am so old that when I was a kid, the Dead Sea was only sick.
Me: “Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing.”
My wife: “Wear your own then.”
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.
Another doctor runs into the room and says, “You’re in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker.”
The man quickly responds, “The attorney.”
The doctor says, “Wait! Don’t you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?”
The man says, “I already know enough. Social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney probably never used his. So I’ll take the attorney!”
Do you know what I love most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt. And that’s just in the hot dogs!
Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it.
They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: Yes.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: Yes what?
The computer responded: Yes Sir.
A man sees a dog sitting beside its master intently watching the movie in the row ahead of him.
It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits.
After the movie, the man approaches the dog’s owner, “Wow, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I’m amazed!”
“I can’t believe it myself,” the man replied. “He hated the book.”
Waiter: I just wanted to let you know kids eat free.
Dad: Good, I’ll have water and my daughter will have the steak and a kid’s light beer.
I was sitting in a Chinese restaurant last night and it suddenly went dark. The waiter came over and said: “You all need to start clapping!”
We all started to clap and the lights came on!
I said: “How did that happen?”
He replied: “Old Chinese proverb, many hands make light work.”
Two hitmen are walk into a scary woodland.
The first hitman says, “I don’t mind admitting I feel a little afraid!”
The second hitman replies, “How do you think I feel, I have to walk back alone!”