What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?

What did Luke Skywalker say after he planted a Christmas tree farm?
May the forest be with you!
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How did the two rival Chris mas trees get along?
They signed a peace tree-ty!
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How do Christmas trees get ready for a night out?
They spruce up!
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What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy?
Ornamints!
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Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past?
Because the present’s beneath them.
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I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas. She told that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.
So I bought her nothing.
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Why are Christmas trees so bad at knitting? They
have too many needles.
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What happens if you eat Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-it is.
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Who is a Christmas tree’s favorite singer?
Spruce Springsteen.
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What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?
Nice gnawing you!
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What do you get when you mix a Christmas tree and an iPad?
A pineappleneapple!
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Boy 1: “I ate some Christmas candy.”
Boy 2: “Eating Christmas candy won’t give you a bruise.”
Boy 1: “It will if it’s your big brother’s candy!”
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Husband: “My wife has laryngitis.’’
Doctor: “There is nothing I can do to cure it.’’
Husband: “Cure it, I want to prolong it!”
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Victim: They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.
Policeman: Why, those dirty crooks!
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Waiter: Would you like your pizza cut into 4 or 6 pieces.
Me: Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
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Officer: “Where are you going?”
Husband: “We’re on vacation and going to Florida.”
Wife: “What did he say? What did he say?”
Husband: “He wants to know where we’re going.”
Officer: “How long will you be gone?”
Husband: “About one month.”
Wife: “What did he say? What did he say?”
Husband: “He wants to know how long we’ll be gone.”
Officer: “Where are you from?”
Husband: “We’re from Toronto.”
Officer: “Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst romantic experience in my life.”
Wife: “What did he say? What did he say?”
Husband: “He says he knows you!”
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I told the doctor’s receptionist I need an appointment.
“How about 10 tomorrow?” she asked.
“I don’t need that many,” I replied.
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I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!
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A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax. Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you?
Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
“Cured her chronic hiccups though, didn’t I?”
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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”
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I got a phone call when I was in the pub,
“If you don’t get home in ten minutes I’m giving the dog your dinner!”
So I went home.
I love that dog.
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I was kidnapped by a mad scientist who experimented on me, replacing my limbs with animal ones. If I see him again I’ll tear him apart with my bear hands.
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Why did James Bond have gray hair?
Because he had no time to dye.