A man told his friend, “I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.”
His friend then asked, “So what’s the name of the other leg?”
“Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, and I asked her, ‘What gift would you like to have?’”
“What did she say?”
“She said, ‘Give me anything which has diamonds in it.’”
“So what did you give her?”
“A deck of playing cards.”
A man being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight. Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.
Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug asked, “Why did you put up such a fight?”
The man promptly replied, “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe.”
Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
Doctor: “Every two hours.”
A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang.
“Doctor,” the caller said, “I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?”
“Sorry,” replied the dentist, “but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon.”
Why do bees stay in their beehives all through the winter?
A bald man got a great deal on a wig today – only $1!
It was a small price toupee.
Ashlea: I told you, I’m on a strict plant-based diet.
John: Don’t worry, these burgers are all plant-based.
Ashlea: Mmm… this is delicious. What plant is this from?
John: Meat-packing plant.
I was the best door-to-door security alarms salesman for several years running.
The trick was to level a brochure on the kitchen table if there was nobody home.
Teacher: What is a synonym?
Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can’t spell the other!
I went to my doctor and told him I’d been hit over the head with a pair of Bongos.
He said I had a slight percussion
A friend of mine won dentist of the year. All he got was a little plaque.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy.
I don’t know and I don’t care.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
When you drop a grand piano down a coal mine, all you get is A flat miner.
My phone machine: Please leave a message after the beep. I am making some changes in my life. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
You know the economy is bad when…
• You get a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
• McDonald’s starts selling 1/4 ouncers.
• When the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds” you don’t know if they meant you or them.
Wife: “I am going out for two hours. Do you want anything?”
Husband: “No, that’s enough.”
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
• There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
• You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn’t that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?
• You know you’re getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
• Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
• Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?