Student: “Professor Stigler, I don’t believe I deserve this ‘F’ grade that you’ve given me!”
Professor: “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award.”
If you add coconut oil to your kale, it makes it easier to scrape it into the trash.
Two goats wandered into the junkyard and had a field day. One of them spent a particularly long time bent over a spool of film. When he was finished, the other goat came over.
“So, did you enjoy the film?”
“To tell you the truth, I liked the book better.”
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,523 days in a row!
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
Business idea: A home surgery kit called Suture Self.
This spaceship landed in front of me and out stepped a large cream bun. It was one of those extra cholesterols.
I needed a password eight characters long, so I chose Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
A local Buddhist monk went to see his dentist but refused the drugs he was offered. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I saw an add for burial plots. I thought to myself, ‘That’s the last thing I need’.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women around, is he still wrong?
Tim: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant.
Tom: What do you want with an elephant?
Tim: Nothing, I just want the money.
A guy walked into a bar and noticed they had a huge Silver Back Gorilla sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the barkeep why they had a gorilla. “That’s Joe-Joe, he’s trained to give CPR if someone drinks too much,’’ he replied. “So what’ll you have there buddy?”
“A Shirley Temple,” the man replied.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
A squirrel was sitting in an apple tree. All of a sudden a cow started climbing up the tree. “What the heck are you doing here?” asked the squirrel.
The cow replied, “I thought I’d eat some oranges.”
“But this is an apple tree.”
“I know. I brought my own.”
A drunk stumbled out the door of the bar. He stood on the corner waiting for the light. He wife calls and asks if he is drunk. The man replies, “Of course not!”
She says, “Okay then, tell me where you are and I will come and get you.”
The drunk replies, “I am at the corner of Walk and Don’t Walk!”
At a job Interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I take matters in my own hands.”
“Okay, thank you. We will contact you.”
“No, I will contact you.”
The Zen of Sarcasm…
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, Good grief, look how smart I am!
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
Keeping a healthy level of insanity: Tell Your Children Over Dinner, ‘Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.’
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A
Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.