What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

I saw a snowbird from Michigan sitting on the floor in front of the Coke machine at the Gulf State Park campground.
“What are you doing,” I asked.
“I’m winning,” he answered.
••••••••••
A priest and a golfer are playing golf. On the first hole, the priest gets a hole-in-one.
The golfer, wanting to show off to the priest, tries to get a hole-in-one too. But it stops right in front of the hole. “Damn it! Missed again,” yells the golfer.
“Sir, that sort of language is not tolerated! If you say that one more time, God might punish you,” warns the priest.
On the 18th hole, the priest gets another hole-in-one. The golfer’s tee shot again stops right in front of the hole.
“Damn it! Missed again,” yells the golfer at a distance.
“Sir, I warned you,” says the priest.
Dark clouds suddenly gather in the sky above, and a bolt of lightning strikes the priest.
The golfer is stunned. It should be him. As the sky begins to clear, and the golfer hears a voice coming from above: “Damn it! Missed again!”
••••••••••
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking. It’s going to be a massive change for me.
I’ve been with that doctor for 15 years.
••••••••••
Neighbor: Are you going to be using your lawn mower Saturday?”
Me: “Yes, I will be.”
Neighbor: “Good… so can I borrow your car then?”
••••••••••
Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.
Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t understand any of that.
••••••••••
Two guys were walking past an outdoor basketball court.
“You want to play Horse?” asked one guy.
“Sure, I guess, but only if I get to be the front legs,” his friend replies.
••••••••••
A man needed a horse, so he went to a church and got one. Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, “Thank God”, and for it to stop you say, “Amen.”
So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cliff. Just in time, he shouted “Amen!” and the horse stopped a few inches from the edge.
“Whew,” said the man, “thank God!”
••••••••••
“The trouble with quotes on the Internet is that it is tough to determine whether or not they are genuine.’’
– Abraham ‘Lincoln.
••••••••••
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
• “There’s a Labrador by my front door shouting ‘Buy!’ and ‘Sell!’ into a mobile phone.”
••••••••••
The elevator in our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained our situation.
After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what you expect me to do for you. I’m a psychologist.”
“A psychologist?” I replied. “Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can’t you help us?”
“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”
••••••••••
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro – what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
••••••••••
• How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
• What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
• Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
••••••••••
On his birthday, a father loaded his pessimist twin kid’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read. I need batteries and my toys will all eventually get broken,” he sobbed.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
“There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere,” he replied.