What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down six trees in an hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.
Next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down one tree and it took all day!
The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says, “What’s that noise?”
I’ve opened a restaurant called “Peace & Quiet. Kids meals only $150.
Think the price of gas is expensive?
Have you seen the price of chimneys?
They are going through the roof!
What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.
Frank thought he recognized a woman over in the corner at a class reunion. So he approached her and extended his hand, saying, “You look like Helen Brown!”
“Well,” the woman snapped, “you don’t look so great in blue!”
I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad.
But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me!
A women is getting lunch ready when the phone rings.
“This is the middle school calling about your son Johnny. He’s been caught telling unbelievable lies.”
“I’ll say he has,” the woman replies, “I don’t have a son.”
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
“Reverend,” said the young man, “Sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.”
“I know what you mean,’’ said the minister. “It’s the same in my business.”
Might wake up early and go running tomorrow. I also might win the lottery.
Odds are about the same.
The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter.
Well, I’m down to my last quarter and they haven’t improved!
I just found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something. But I have no idea what.
Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.
“He’s great on the court, but how’s his scholastic work?” a asked the sportswriter.
“Why, he makes straight A’s,” replied the coach.
“Wonderful!” said the sportswriter.
“Yes,” agreed the coach, “but his B’s are a little crooked.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I found a vinyl record called “Sounds of the Wasps.”
When I played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound like wasps.”
I was right. I was playing the B-side.
If I’m counting right, it’s been ‘one of those days’ for three years now.
A rookie was pitching his first game walked the first five men he faced and the manager took him out of the game.
The rookie slammed his glove on the ground as he yelled, “Darn it, the jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!”
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
• How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
• I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
• I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
• Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
• When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
• Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
• Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk. The result was staggering.
• Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.