A hypochondriac told his doctor he was certain he had a fatal disease.
“Nonsense,” scolded the doctor. “You wouldn’t know if you had that. With that particular disease there’s no discomfort of any kind.”
“Oh no!” gasped the patient. “Those are my symptoms exactly.”
A girl walked into a bar and said to the barman, “Bud light please.”
He said, “Are you 18?”
She said, “No.”
He said, “I can’t serve you then.”
“This is the fourth bar I have been in today. What does a 22 year old have to do to get a beer around here?”
After separate but lengthy trials two guys meet in a prison-cell and tried to get the upper or lower bunk.
How long are you here for?
Twenty-seven years. How long are you in for?
Well,then, you sleep by the door: you’ll get out before me.
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before.
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”
Faithful reader Pete Hourihan of Bear Point shares quotes attributed to famous folks about one of Pete’s favorite subjects…
“Sometimes, when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and their hopes and dreams. If I did not drink this beer, they might be out of work with their dreams shattered. I think, it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true, than be selfish and worry about my liver.”
- Babe Ruth
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.”
- Paul Horning
“24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!”
- H. L. Mencken
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven.”
- George Bernard Shaw
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”
- Dave Barry
“Remember ‘I’ before ‘E,’ except in Budweiser.”
- Professor Irwin Corey
“To some it is a six-pack. To me, it is a Support Group. Salvation in a can.”
- Leo Durocher
“Well, ya see, Normmy, it’s like this .. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But, naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers!”
- Cliff Clavin (Cheers TV show)
A friend of mine went on safari in Africa when he comes across an elephant. It’s lying on the ground in distress. He investigates and finds a thorn in its foot. He removes it and the elephant happily trots away.
Twenty years later we were in London on business and were watching a circus procession pass by. When along comes an elephant, as it gets level with him, it stops, looks straight at him, reaches out with its trunk and lift him into the air and smashes him into the ground.
It was a different elephant.
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: He must be very smart?
Me: Not really, I beat him two games out of three!
A man was lying in a hospital, covered in bandages from head to toe. The guy in the next bed said, ”What do you do for a living?”
The bandaged man replied, “I used to be a window cleaner.”
“Oh, when did you give that up?”
“About halfway down.”
“Boss can I have a week off around Christmas?”
“Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”
A man and a woman were smooching on the sofa when the phone rang.
“Who was that?” the guy asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“I better get going then,” the guy said. “Where was he when he phoned?”
“You can relax,” said the woman. “He’s downtown playing poker with you.”
A quiet little man was brought before a judge.
“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the little man.
“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof,” said the little man.
“Yes, go on,” said the astounded judge.
“Well. I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. They told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. I went to the registration office and got in another line. I filled out my forms for another card. I got back in line for my card.”
“And?” said the judge.
“And the clerk asked me, ‘Can you prove you’re from New York City?'”
“What happened next?” the judge asked.
“I punched him.”
• Why do they report power outages on TV?
• What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Camper: “Look at that bunch of cows.”
Farmer: “Not bunch, herd.”
Camper: “Heard what?”
Farmer: “Of cows.”
Camper: “Sure I’ve heard of cows.”
Farmer: “No, I mean a cowherd.”
Camper: “So what if they heard? I have no secrets from cows!”