Of course, I talk to myself.
Sometimes I need expert advice.
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
If you think Thursdays are bad, just wait two days. It will be a sadder day.
My Grandpa used to sit in a rocking chair. He had a recliner, but didn’t use it because it wasn’t comfortable for him.
One night when were were over there, I put shims under the recliner to see if that would make it better for him. While we were doing that, grandma was rummaging around in the closet and knocked over a box of marbles.
That is the night Grandpa was off his rocker and Grandma lost her marbles.
What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth?
A tooth pic.
Dave lost his wife’s audiobook. And now he’ll never hear the end of it.
There is a rookie pilot and a co-pilot and they are coming in for a landing. The pilot says, “That runway is small, give me 1/4 flaps.”
As they get closer the pilot says, “That’s a small runway, give me 1/2 flaps.”
As they’re coming in closer the pilot again says, “That’s a small runway, give me full flaps!”
After they land the plane safely the pilot says, “That’s the smallest runway I’ve ever landed on.”
“Yes. But look it how wide it is,” said the co-pilot.
Why did Sherlock Holmes get audited by the IRS?
He had too many deductions.
Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
“I want to divorce my wife.”
“On what grounds?”
“She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar.”
“Are you saying she’s an alcoholic or do you think she’s cheating?”
“No, she is looking for me.”
No use being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
Where do you find lost silverware?
Answer: At the fork in the road.
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
What happens when you boil a funny bone?
It becomes a laughing stock.
Me: “I finally snapped. Last night while I was going over the bills, I discovered how much money my wife squanders and I hit the roof. I stormed into the bedroom and gave her a lecture on economy and thrift.”
Friend: “Did it help?”
Me: “I’ll say. Tomorrow we’re selling my boat and sailing equipment.”
Officer: “Your truck is heavily overloaded. I simply cannot let you continue like that. I’m going to have to take away your driver’s license.”
Driver: “You’re kidding me, right? The license can only weigh one ounce, tops!”
I told the waitress my steak was bad. She picked it up, slapped it, and threw it back down.
She said, “If it gives you any more trouble, let me know.
A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
“Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine.
I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in,
and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $995,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”
Of course, I talk to myself.