Where there’s a will, I want to be in it

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes.
One day I asked him where he got the idea and he said, “Well, to make a long story short . . . ”
“What have you had for breakfast?” I asked my wife on the first day of her diet.
“Eggs,” she said.
“Scrambled or hard boiled?” I asked.
“Cadbury Creme,” she replied.
“Doctor, I think I’m a moth.”
“It’s not a doctor you need, it’s a psychiatrist.”
“I was on my way there when I saw your light on.”

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a baby giraffe sitting next to him. “Are you a baby giraffe?” asked the man, surprised.
“What are you doing at the movies?”
The giraffe replied, “Well, I liked the book.”
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!”
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, “Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice girl?”
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters’ place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: “WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
The old Master Barber put up his own sign: “WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!”
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don’t love me any more?”
“Nonsense, darling,” replied the husband, “you just cook better now.”
“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.”
“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”
Summer vacation was over and young Jack returned to school.
Only two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that Jack was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” mother said. “I had Jack with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.
“He’s a magician, ma’am” said Little Johnny.
“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“Wow. Any brothers or sisters?”
“One half brother and two half sisters.”
For Sale Cheap: Parachute, used once, never opened. Small
red stain.
Since Light travels faster than sound, some people
appear brighter than you think.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part
of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and
is frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them).
– Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
– The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it’s still on my list.
– If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
– We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
– War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
– Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
– To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
– I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
– In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify…” I answered “a doctor.”
– Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.