As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, he asked her the usual question, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my text?”
My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.
My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”
The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”
I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.
Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, “That’s a nice round figure.”
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, “You’re no bean pole yourself.”
A heart surgeon came to a mechanic to repair his car. The mechanic had a look at the car’s engine, opened a valve and fixed it.
The mechanic said, “I repaired the engine which is the heart of the car. You also operate on the hearts of humans, so our jobs are quite similar. So why it you earn more than me?”
The doctor replied, “Can you repair the car when the ignition is on? We can!”
Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”
Husband: “Next time take the car, silly.”
A man went to his lawyer and asked him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owes you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. “That was a stiff climb,” said the first man.
“It certainly was,” replied the second man. “And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backwards a long time ago.”
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful
princess, that I’ll stay with you for a week. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked
to another, “Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers
for experiments in our lab?”
“Really?” replied the other researcher. “Why the switch?”
“There were a number of reasons,” the first researcher explained.
“First, our lab assistants don’t become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won’t do.”
A wife went to the police station with her next door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, “He’s 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.”
The next-door neighbor protested, “Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.”
The wife replied, “Yes, but who wants HIM back?
• Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
• They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.
• A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
• Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
• Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Words for the Wise…
• I don’t do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up fast.
• Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: “Buy one dog, get one flea…”
• If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
• I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
• I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
• A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Damn..that was fun!
• The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.