Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.” I whispered back, “Bring pizza.”
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What natural remedies still work during quarantine?
Essential oils!
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Me: I can’t see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!
Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.
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“Armstrong,” the boss said, “I happen to know that the reason you didn’t come to work was that you were playing golf.”
“That’s a rotten lie!” Armstrong protested. “And I have the fish to prove it!”
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What’s the difference between a frog and a cat?
A frog croaks all the time, while a cat croaks only nine times.
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Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.
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Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
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It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
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I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.
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We can all agree that in 2015 not a single person got the answer correct to, ‘Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?’
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If a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
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The ups and downs of a pandemic: One day you’re loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast and missing people you don’t even like.
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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”
Because every play has a cast.
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How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?
“If elected, I promise…”
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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu: You get what you deserve.
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Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He just needed a little space.
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Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
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What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? A nervous wreck.
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How do you keep a bagel from getting away?
Put lox on it.
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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you.”
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
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Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
Because you should never drink and derive.
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On Christmas Day, a father loaded his pessimist kid’s room with toys and games. In the optimist’s room, he dumped a pile of horse droppings.
That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying.
“What’s wrong?” the father asked.
“I have a ton of game manuals to read. I need batteries and my toys will all eventually get broken,” he sobbed.
Passing the optimist’s room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. “Why are you so happy?” he asked.
“There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere,” he replied.
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Don’t irritate old people. The older they get the less “life in prison” is a deterrent.
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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.
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I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
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Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
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Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
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If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.