Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.”
The second boy says, “That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon… and it takes eight people to collect all the money!”
It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet. Nobody was married.
Here are the single people that come to mind: Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, the Darling family, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara.
In fact, the only one married was Otis, and he was the town drunk.
Two drunks were staggering home along a railway line. “This is the longest staircase I’ve ever climbed,” moaned one.
It certainly is,” slurred his buddy. “And the banister’s so low my back is killing me.”
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong.
She said, “I had a dream that I died and you got remarried. If I died tomorrow, would you get remarried?”
He said, “Sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely.”
Then she asked, “Well would you two live in this house?”
He replied, “Sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage.”
She asked again, angry now, “Well, would she sleep in this bed?”
He said, “Yes, of course. This bed is brand new and expensive. There’s no reason to rid of it.”
She then asked irately, “Well would she use my golf clubs?”
“No,’’ he replied. “She’s left handed.”
Father Norton woke up one exceptionally beautiful Sunday morning and decided he just had to play golf. So he told the associate pastor that he was feeling sick and headed out to a golf course about forty miles away, so he wouldn’t accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, “You’re not going to let him get away with this, are you?”
The Lord sighed, and said, “No, I guess not.”
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It was a 420 yard hole-in-one.
St. Peter looked at the Lord and asked, “Why did you let him do that?”
“Who’s he going to tell?” replied The Lord.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.
You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”
Did you ever wonder why…
Banks leave vaults open and chain the pens to the counters…