The mother of three unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she’d have children if she had it to do over again.
“Sure,” she replied, “but not the same ones.”
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
• Beauty Parlor: A place where women curl up and dye.
• Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
• Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• Raisin: A grape that got too much sun.
• Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
• Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• Wrinkles: Something other people have, similar to my character lines.
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it’s time to find a new way home from work.”
My neighbor, a tailor, has a new job.
I asked him how much he enjoyed it.
Dad, can you write in the dark?”
“I think so. What is it you want me to write?”
“Your name on this report card.”
What do you call someone who takes care of chickens?
A chicken tender!
Q: Why shouldn’t you fall in love with a pastry chef?
A: He’ll dessert you.
A man walks into the psychiatrist’s office with a zucchini up his nose, a cucumber in his left ear, and a breadstick in his right ear.
He says, “Doctor, what is wrong with me?”
The psychiatrist replies, “You are not eating properly.”
A participant in a duel showed up armed with a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Little Johnny’s mother made the remark that God made eyes to see, ears to hear, noses to smell, and feet to run.
“I think God got mixed up,” said little Johnny.
“Why do you think that?” inquired his mother.
“Because it’s the other way around, my nose runs and my feet smell.”
Sergeant: “Private, I think the enemy soldiers are hiding in the woods. I want you to go in there and flush them out for us.”
Private: “Yes, sir! But if you see a bunch of guys running out the woods, don’t shoot the one in front, sir!”
Why are ghosts banned from the liquor stores?
Because they would steal all the BOOS!
Two women were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said, “Seems like all my boyfriend and I do anymore is fight. I’ve been so upset I’ve lost 10 pounds in two weeks.”
“Why don’t you just leave him then?” asked her friend.
“Not yet,” the first replied, “I like to lose at least another 10 pounds first.”
My doctor was giving me a hard time about my health. To get back on his good side I bought a puppy and named him Five Miles.
That way, when I went to see my doctor I could tell him, “I walk five miles every morning!”
Two factory workers are talking. One says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
“And how would you do that?”
“Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
“I’m a light bulb.”
“You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
“I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”