My wife keeps reminding me about some things that need repair around the house.

A football coached was asked about his star lineman. The coach replied, “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I have seen his grades and there are a lot of words he doesn’t know the meaning of!”
••••••••••
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, “Amen Brother!”
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, “Preach it, Reverend!”
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, “Right on brother. Tell it like it is. Amen!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said, “He’s quit preaching and now he’s meddlin’.”
••••••••••
When I was a little boy, I used to be afraid of the dark…
Now as an adult, I see the electric bill and I’m afraid of the light!
••••••••••
My wife keeps reminding me about some things that need repair around the house. One would think that after six months she’d know I have the list memorized.
••••••••••
Girl: Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.
Boy (smiling): Why thank you… are you single?
Girl: No, I am a dentist.
••••••••••
Things Southerners just know…
– A possum is a flat animal that
sleeps in the middle of the road.
– There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.
– There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in the South, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
– If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
– Onced and Twiced are words.
– It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
– People actually grow, eat and like okra.
– Fixinto is one word. It means
I’m going to do that.
– There is no such thing as lunch.
There is only dinner and then
there’s supper.
– Iced tea is appropriate for all meals. It is referred to as
the Wine of the South.
and you start drinking it when you’re two.
– We do like a little tea with our sugar. It is referred to as
the Wine of the South.
– Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
– The word jeet is actually a question meaning, ‘Did you eat?’
– Ya’ll is singular. All ya’ll is plural.
– Fried catfish is the other white meat.
••••••••••
Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it can be done!
••••••••••
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
“What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I’ll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home … and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I’m done. I’m leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I’ll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, I told you it must be a simple explanation….She never got your email!”
••••••••••
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”
The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”
The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”
The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”
“Yes,” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”
••••••••••
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”
••••••••••
A blonde went to “Jim’s Seafood Store” and asked Jim about the best part of the fish.
Jim smirked and said, “The best part of the fish is the head. Not only is it good, but the head will make you smarter too.”
The blonde wanted to try and see if they are really that good. The heads were $4.34 each and she got two. Later that week she got some more and told Jim that the heads were really good.
For about three weeks, she got fish heads. Then one day, she came in she said, “You know I have been thinking, it’s silly that I buy fish heads for $4.34 each when I could have the whole fish with the head for $3.00.”
Jim smirked again and said, “But you see, you got smarter already.”
••••••••••
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

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