women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it

••••••••••
A guy from Michigan named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They were sold to him as watchdogs.
••••••••••
If liars’ pants really did catch on fire, it would be a lot more fun watching the news.
••••••••••
If your wife is mad at you, buy a new fishing pole. She will still be mad at you, but you will have a new fishing pole.
••••••••••
• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
• Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
• I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
• Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
• I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn’t complain.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
• Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.
••••••••••
A dog walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Excuse me, but whose dog is this? The sign outside clearly says no dogs allowed.”
The dog says, “Well, I’m not just any dog you know.”
The barman says, “So what makes you so special?”
••••••••••
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy it.
• German sausage jokes are the wurst.
• Need an ark? I Noah guy!
• I used to be decisive, but now I’m not so sure.
• There were two fish in a tank. One asks the other, “How do you drive one of these?”
••••••••••
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a sharp- dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
••••••••••
Did you know the guy who invented door-knockers was awarded a no-bell prize?
••••••••••
A snotty crook going down a staircase is a condescending con descending.
••••••••••
There was a guy who thought he had gone to an eye doctor when he was in Alaska, but he turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
••••••••••
A guy from Michigan goes for a job interview in Alabama. The interviewer starts with the basics:
Interviewer: “Can you tell us your age, please?”
The guy counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before cheerfully replying “I’m 22.”
Interviewer: “Since this job requires finding and filing things alphabetically, please tell me the letter that precedes ‘Z’.”
Guy: “It’s ‘Y’!”
Interviewer: “That’s correct. And may I ask, were you just singing the alphabet song to yourself?”
Guy: “Well yes, I was!”
Interviewer: “Just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The guy bobs his head for about ten seconds and answers “Andy.’’
Interviewer: “What in the world were you doing bobbing your head?”
Guy: “I was just running through that song – ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…'”
••••••••••
• When I was born, I was so shocked by what I saw that I didn’t talk for a year and a half!
• Talk is cheap because supply so greatly exceeds demand.
• I’ve told you a million times not to exaggerate!
• A psychics midget escaped from jail and the headlines read “Small Medium at Large”.
• A little hard work has never killed anyone, but why risk it?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Last night I lay in my bed, looked up at the stars, and thought, “Where the heck is the ceiling?”
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.
• Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
• After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, “No hablo ingles.”
• Do you ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
• I often get lost in thought because the place is so foreign to me.
• I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
• Better to be “over the hill” than under it.