This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her.
I came into my house and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
A grocery store manager chased a shoplifter through dry goods and frozen foods before catching him with a flying tackle in cleaning supplies.
That’s when the manager noticed that all of the customers in line at the cash registers were staring.
“Everything’s fine, folks,” he assured them. “This guy just tried to go through the express lane with more than ten items.”
• We buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• We have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Writing a horror screenplay. It starts off with a ringing phone.
The person answers and it’s their mom saying, “I have a computer question…“
A salesman was going door to door trying to sell his wares. As he walked up to the next house, he noticed a small boy sitting on the front steps.
“Is your mother home?” the salesman asked the small boy.
“Yeah, she’s home,” the boy said, scooting over to let him past.
The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again. Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said, “I thought you said your mother was home.”
The kid replied, “She is, but this isn’t where I live.”
Singers of the 60’s are revising
their hits with new age appropriate lyrics. New releases include…
• Herman’s Hermits: Mrs Brown, You’ve Got A Lovely Walker.
• Ringo Starr: I Get By With A
Little Help From Depends
• The Bee Gee: How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
• Roberta Flack: The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash: I Can’t See Clearly Now.
• The Commodores: Once, Twice, 3 Times To The Bathroom
• Procol Harum: A Whiter Shade Of Hair
• Leo Sayer: You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• The Temptations: Papa’s Got A Kidney Stone
• Abba: Denture Queen
• Helen Reddy: I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
• Lesley Gore: It’s My Hormones & I’ll Cry If I Want To
• Willie Nelson: On the Commode Again
“What are you going to do this weekend?”
I’m going to buy glasses.”
“And then what?”
“Then I’ll see.”
I hate it when my wife says, “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
“Dad, I am hungry.”
“Hi Hungry, I’m Dad.”
“Dad, I’m serious.”
“I thought you were Hungry?”
“Are you kidding me?”
“Nope, I’m Dad.”
A vain lion wanted to find out why the other animals were not as beautiful as he.
First, he asked a giraffe. The giraffe did not know. Next, the lion asked a bear. The bear had no answer. Then the lion asked a hippopotamus, and again got no answer.
Finally, the lion met a mouse. He asked the mouse, ”Tell me, why aren’t you as big, as strong, and as beautiful as I am?”
The mouse looked up at the lion and said, ”Well, I’ve been sick.”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free, you either married it or gave birth to it.
Yesterday my husband thought he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
I quit my job as a personal trainer because I don’t feel I’m fit enough for the job. I’ve handed in my ‘Too Weak’ notice.
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”