I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.
Can’t believe I’ve spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair, and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5’4’’, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.”
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.
She replies, “Just because I reported him missing doesn’t mean I want him back!”
My friend pugs all his savings under his pillow every night.
He wants people to know he has enough money to retire on.
Patient: “Doctor, I need is something to stir me up. Something to get me fired up and put me in a fighting mood. Can you give me something to do that?”
Doctor: “Yes. Your invoice.
Son: “Dad, what music did you like when you were growing up?”
Dad: “Well, I was a huge fan of Led Zeppelin.”
Dad: “Yeah, I liked them too.”
Patient: Doctor, I have a tendency to gain weight in certain places. What would you recommend?
Doctor: Stay out of those places!
Friend 1: Let’s go for a movie.
Friend 2: I’ve got a doctor’s appointment today.
Friend 1: Just cancel it, tell him you’re sick.
Doctor: “Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?”
Patient: “Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn’t have the money?”
Tim: I went riding this morning.
Tim: Oh, sure. He got back two hours before I did.”
Nine Words Women Use…
• Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up. This means your facts may be right but you are still wrong.
• Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game.
• Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing often end in fine.
• Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
• Loud Sigh: A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you.
• That’s Okay: This means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
• Thanks: Do not question this or faint. Just say you’re welcome.
• Thanks a lot: This is sarcasm and she is not thanking you. Do not say ‘you’re welcome.’’
• Of course I’m against sin; I’m against anything that I’m too old to enjoy.
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
• You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
• Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
• You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
“You need glasses,” the eye doctor said.
“I’m already wearing glasses,” replied the patient.
“In that case,” the doctor said, “I need glasses.”
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.
Been awhile since you’ve heard Jeff Foxworthy You know you’re a redneck when Jokes?
• You’ve been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You’ve bathed with flea and tick soap.
• Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
• You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture